50 shades of sinuses and family surprises

You think you know your elderly relatives, then this happens. I’ll elaborate: I just got back from a week-long visit with my 92-year-old great-aunt in Tennessee. My sister, Jinger, came along, too, and we drove because I hate to fly (don’t bother quoting safety stats to me; phobias know no logic.) Anyway, when I saw my aunt last year, she’d expressed a desire to see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie because she’d heard so much about it. So, last year, I bought the movie at Amazon and tried to stream it when I visited her, but the senior center she lives at has terrible internet, so the movie wouldn’t play. This trip, my sister and I were determined not to disappoint her, so I bought the movie on iTunes and downloaded it so that no streaming would be required to play it. My aunt was delighted to hear that we had the movie ready for her, and after a nice day together, we got ready to watch it. My aunt was so nervous about being “caught” by one of her friends in the senior center that she made us lock the doors on her unit. Then, we hooked up my laptop to her TV via a DMI cord and hit “play.”

Nothing but a blank screen. My aunt’s face fell. 

We tried rebooting iTunes, rebooting my computer, etc. Nothing worked. We weren’t sure if there was an incompatibility issue with her TV (older version) and the HD movie, so we drove her back to the hotel we were staying at to attempt to play the movie there. However, it still wouldn’t play, and the hotel’s WiFi connection was so weak, we still couldn’t stream it there, either.

“It’s okay,” my aunt said, trying and failing to hide her disappointment. “It’s only a movie.”

No, it wasn’t. Not anymore. It was now a quest to fulfill the wish of a woman in her nineties who’d lost her husband a few years ago, lost her only child decades before that, and rarely complained or asked for anything. My sister and I were NOT going to give up. We promised her that we would be back the next day with a version of the movie that would work. So, early in the morning, we went to the local Target. I bought the movie in DVD format (now my third copy of the movie, for anyone counting) and my sister bought an adapter that would link her phone to any TV, in the event that there was something wrong with the DVD.

Purchases made, cue our going back to the senior center, determined to make this viewing happen. After another day of activities with my aunt and her friends, we were finally alone in her unit. She made us lock the doors again and I hit “play” on the DVD in my laptop. 

Nothing AGAIN. I’ll skip over the half hour of cursing and troubleshooting to arrive at the conclusion – I’d apparently never loaded video drivers (or whatever they’re called) onto my laptop so that it can play DVD movies. My laptop is also several years old so they didn’t come standard. How could I not know of this deficiency? Because I only type and internet surf on the damn thing. Now, my sister’s cell phone adapter cord was our only hope. She tried to play the iTunes version I’d purchased from it onto my aunt’s TV. It didn’t work. My aunt was practically begging us to not bother by this point, but we were laser focused. This movie showing WOULD happen even if I had to borrow the senior center’s DVD player they used for their Sit-Er-Cise videos to play the thing!

We ended up buying the Standard Definition version of the movie from Amazon because we were worried about the HD version not being compatible with her TV again. Now we had purchased FOUR copies of the movie. My sister hooked her cell phone adapter to the TV and hit “play.” I won’t lie – I was praying at this point ;).

Cue the movie filling the screen. My sister and I let out a cheer. My aunt said “Finally!” with a laugh. We settled in to watch. I’ve never seen the movie before, and I’d also not finished the book. I put it down when I got to the “no snacking allowed” clause of the infamous contract (and no, I don’t care what that says about me, heh.) Anyway, I’m not going to tell you my thoughts about the movie because my aunt’s thoughts were much, much funnier.

Her comment at the beginning of the first sex scene: Doesn’t much believe in foreplay, does he?

Her comment halfway through the first sex scene: They’re showing EVERYTHING on her, but they’re hiding his naughty bits. If we see hers, we should see his. Otherwise, it’s not fair.

Her comment after the first sex scene: That’s it? *pause* That’s not kinky. I thought this movie was supposed to be kinky?

Her comment during the second sex scene: Still hardly any foreplay. Hmmph.

Her comment during the third (or fourth?) sex scene: WHEN is this movie going to get kinky? I thought this movie was really going to show me something, but I can see this sort of stuff on regular TV! 

*cue my sister and I bursting out laughing* What sort of TV do you watch?

Her *demurring.* Well, you know. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I watch the stuff on the pay channels late at night.

*Me, still cracking up.* No wonder this isn’t showing you anything new, then. At some point, I hear the hero gives the heroine Ben Wa balls to use during a masked dance or something. 

My aunt: What’re those?

Me: *explains*

Her: *perking up* Is that in this movie?

Me: No, the next one.

Her: *open disappointment* Oh. Well. We’ll keep watching this one, I suppose.

Reader, at one point, she actually fell asleep. We had to poke her to wake her. When it was over, she said, “Well, that was disappointing. I thought I was going to learn something from this movie, but this only showed all the usual stuff.”

My sister and I just looked at each other and laughed. My whole life, I’d thought she was very strait-laced. Now, I know that I was dead wrong ;). Family revelations aside, our visit was great, but I caught what I later found out was a nasty sinus infection. Oddly enough, my sinuses don’t hurt. It does, however, feel like someone beat me along the right side of my head, neck and jaw, with an annoying low-grade fever to boot. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics yesterday, and I’m told they’ll make me feel better soon. I hope so because I am not the strong, stoic type when it comes to being sick. I am the whiny, I-have-a-man-cold type. But, in better news, the thing I also got while I was out of town was Arcs (advance reading copies) of SHADES OF WICKED, so I’ll be hosting a giveaway on my blog soon. Stay tuned for details on that.

That’s it from me. Hope you have a good week, everyone!