Note: This is one of my “Jeaniene talks about personal stuff” posts, so skip if you only want professional news or publishing/book updates.
I read every note readers send to me, and today, I read one that brought me to tears. This is not the first time this has happened, by the way. When readers pour out their hearts to me, they’re also reaching in and grabbing hold of mine, and it’s not as icy or hardened as I sometimes pretend it to be ;).
Anyway, this reader was thanking me for my Night Prince series heroine, Leila, because she could really relate to Leila’s nasty inner voice. I won’t go into more detail about her letter because I don’t want to violate her privacy, but this reader’s bravery in revealing her own struggle inspired me to reveal something I don’t think I’ve said in pubic before:
I based Leila’s dark, negative inner voice off my own.
This is one of the few times I’ve based a significant character trait off of myself. Most of my heroines are quite different than me, actually. For example, I love to sit on the couch and read or watch TV. My heroines, on the other hand, love to go out, find trouble, kick ass and take names, sometimes with or without underwear (my Night Huntress readers will get that joke ;)). But I gave Leila the same cruel inner voice that I have, so it was easy for me to write those scenes because I have lots of first-hand experience. Now, just like Leila, I don’t “hear” an actual, audible voice. Instead, it’s more like a set of thoughts that tend to rear up in stressful situations in order to make them worse. Or, it shows up in happy moments to spoil them with predictions of doom. Unlike Leila, though, my dark inner voice never grew strong enough to drive me to a suicide attempt. But, back when I was a teen and simultaneously battling bulimia and bullying, it did cause me to fleetingly consider it (side note to any teens reading this: things DO get better, so hang in there! And if you need help, please, ask for it, either in person or from a helpline.)
I can’t tell you if it was my bulimia that created this dark inner voice or if this dark inner voice drove me to bulimia; that’s a chicken/egg sort of thing. But I can say that this harsh internal monologue was what played in my head when, as early as age twelve, I would force myself to throw up after almost every meal as punishment for not being as thin as I believed I was “supposed” to be. That harsh internal voice also lasted long past getting treatment for bulimia, and even long past finding the faith that caused me to base my self-worth on God’s love for me instead of on other people’s opinions of what I should or shouldn’t look like (or do, or say, etc., ad nauseam, etc.)
That dark inner voice is still with me today. Thankfully, it’s no longer constant and it’s also much quieter, but it has still made some bad days worse while also ruining good days, too. Plus, on a professional level, it has hijacked many, many writing days by filling me with doubt, angst and negativity, until the words come out at a crawl or sometimes not at all. It’s popping up even now, insinuating that sharing this in public will cause readers not to buy my books because if I have these doubts and I’m the author, then my books must be crap, so avoid them! And so on and so on.
Yet I am able to share this in public because I know not to trust my nasty inner voice, let alone to allow it to dictate my actions. It’s based in lies even if it does manage to randomly hit on a truth once in a while. Yes, to some readers, my books are crap, but you know what? That’s perfectly fine. Reading is subjective and one person’s perfume is another person’s poison. Imagine how dull the literary world – let alone life! – would be if everyone liked the same thing. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve disliked that other people have loved (The Great Gatsby and almost everything by Hemingway, just to name a few) while I’ve loved other books that some people haven’t liked (the entire romance genre is dissed by many, yet it’s my favorite genre, plus I love almost everything by Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe, and Moby Dick is a favorite, too, to throw in some classics.)
So, to the reader who wrote me to say that she is still struggling with her own dark inner critic, big hugs to you! So am I, and so is my heroine, Leila. Sometimes, we find our victories by still being in the fight instead of the fight being over with. That’s okay; it’s victory nonetheless. One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 56:3-4: “When I am afraid, I will trust in You; In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not be afraid.” For me, this reinforces that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my fears (or my struggles or even my failures) because the Psalmist says “when” I fear, not “if” I fear. The “I will not be afraid” at the end is, to me, a statement of hope for the future that transcends current circumstances or feelings. I might not be there yet, but in faith I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
For a more modern take, I give you a sampling of the lyrics to one of the songs on my current playlist. It’s called “The Fighter” by Gym Class Heroes. As I said in the beginning of this post, I’m not the literal kick-ass type, so you would find me in a boxing ring about two degrees before hell froze over :). But the boxer analogy below encapsulates the “fighting is the real victory” point I was trying to make, only in a far more succinct manner:
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do, y’all?
Give ’em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we’re dead
Give me scars, give me pain
Then just say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes a fighter…
So *raises glass* here’s to all the fighters out there, whatever you’re struggling with or fighting against!
It’s hard to talk about emotional difficulties and brave of you to do it. I am sure your post will help others who thought they were alone in similar struggles.
Blessings on you for your courage.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I think if we were all wiling to be more open with one another, we would be stronger for it. That evil little voice in our head loves to work its dark magic when we are in isolation.
I was well into my 30s before I managed to wrangle the bitch in my head. I named her Veronica. I figured if we were going to share headspace she needed a name. Naming her for some reason helped diminish the power that voice had over me. Also, when she is being especially noxious it is gratifying to have a name to tell to shut the hell up.
For so much of my life, I let the fears she stirred in my brain make many of my choices. But sometimes, my greatest triumphs were when I mustered the strength to defy her and all she represented – trusting the love of my husband was a ginormous step forward for me. While we still battle daily for dominance in my head and heart, I’ve come to have greater trust in my self worth and value to others.
Recently, the pep talk song that I like to blare when things are feeling a bit dismal is “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World – the pop-sugar chorus usually breaks through my bleaker moods.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own (on your own), so don’t buy in.
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (good enough) for someone else.
Music has always helped; when I was in my last two semesters in college, I had this crippling anxiety that because I was so close to graduating after more than 10 years of battle that something horrific would happen to me. So, I would sit in my car before going into class and play “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley over and over on my cassette player until I truly believed that “every little thing gonna be alright.” Sometimes one or two repeats would get me in the building – sometimes ten.
Tonight, I’ll turn up my radio in honor of you, your bravery and your honesty.
I love how you named your voice. Thanks for sharing your story, and for the song recommendation!
For me, if I had made a big mistake or hurt someone’s feelings out of carelessness or temper, I couldn’t let it go. it would just eat at me, going round and round in my head until the worry and re-crimination would make me sick. I couldn’t forgive myself and felt so unworthy. Until one day, I realized that I truly believed God forgave me so I needed to learn to forgive myself. It made it a lot easier to except his love and strength to help me change and learn how to avoid that kind of mistake again. I don’t know how people get through painful issues, pain,, suffering, and death without knowing that God is there for them. And by the way, your books are NOT crap!! I have enjoyed them so much I always read them twice (at least). If we all liked the same books, what a boring society we would be. And how could we have fights at book club?? 😉
No fights at book clubs? *covers ears* Never speak of such a thing again! 😉
Seriously though, yes, letting go is so important in many ways. Thank you for your wise words.
I just think you are a wonder person, reaching out to us just reinforces it.
Hi Jeaniene,
I, also, understand the inner voice. For me the key was finding faith in myself and learning to believe in myself. Through that I found my value and self-worth. I then found the confidence to go forward in my art and education.
Of course that doesn’t mean that dratted voice has gone away. It still strikes at me. I like what BooksDarling said about naming it and I just might do that. 🙂 But as you noted, as long as we don’t give up the fight, I feel long-term we will win.
I will continue to read your books. I also don’t think they suck. I’m mixed on the Great Gatsby but there have been a number of Lit stories that I don’t care for. And I have to ask, do they all have to be so completely depressing? I mean have none of them heard of a happy ending? It’s okay to do that now and then. Even life doesn’t beat us up that bad, that continuous.
Peace,
Roseann
I hope your own negative inner voice lowers to a whisper and then fades way. Thanks for commenting! (and don’t get me started on how super-depressing some lit texts can get. Seriously. There’s harsh reality, there’s infinite sadness, and then there’s some of THOSE books ;).
Your courage is inspiring and gives us the strength to fight our own inner voice. Thank you.
How brave of you to share your personal battles. You write under your real name not a handle like we can when we share our experiences and it is refreshing as well as comforting to know we are not so different. Bullying was an issue I dealt with in school making me doubt myself frequently but you are right and it does get better. I am a teacher now and always try to be aware of the signs that a student may need help. Only wish my teachers would have listened to me in high school.
Thank you for being a teacher, and especially for being an advocate to bullied students!
….And this is why you are my favorite author! I adore you (and Leila) and thanks for being real. A real person, a real author, and a real superb author! Boom! Keep rocking it!
Thanks for sharing your struggles. I too struggle with similar feelings and thoughts mainly about not fitting in and then feelings of inadequacies. I hate that voice and just wonder why does it still bother me when I have accomplished many things to be proud about? The good thing is it has not stopped me from trying new experiences. I love Leila because she is so real. Thanks for pouring part of yourself into her and Vlad’s story. I love this series! Can’t wait to read their conclusion next year. Take care
Thank you! (hug) Your words are a gift and inspire me. God bless you!
I loved this blog entry. Thank you for your bravery on broaching a subject that has a personal connection with you. As all the wonderful women that have posted my inner dialog is a giant soul-eating bitch that needs to be ripped out by the tentacles 🙂 much like Leila’s. My writing efforts are constantly maligned by negating voices both within and without. It is authors such as yourself that keep me writing. I love everything that you have written so far because of the voice you write in. I find it refreshing, funny and engaging and relatable.
Again, Thank you for your bravery.
I am a stroke savior and I just love your books. I read them before my stroke and they have been a life saver after my stroke. I love Cat and Bones they are my favorite charcters. I also love Vald. Why does Bones and Vald hate each other so much. Is it because they are so much alike? I would love for you to write more Bones and Cat. There is so much more stories I even make up my own stories. I read them until they fall apart. Then I order them again.