Warning: I talk about incest and sexual assault in this post, as well as reveal some personal details that could easily be classified as “TMI.” Skip if these are trigger issues or if you’re only looking for professional book updates.
A while back, in response to an online discussion about rape, I posted a blog where I detailed how, at age 8, I was forced to watch incest followed by an attempted sexual assault. I am 41, happily married and in good mental health, yet this incident had a profound impact on me back then and some of that impact continues to this day.
When it happened, I was so young that I didn’t understand what I was witnessing, or the enormity of the assault that my neighbor attempted on me following it. I can assure you, however, at a level that transcended mature understanding, I knew that it was wrong, and though I didn’t know why, I felt as if it had somehow fouled me. It didn’t stop there. The subconscious fallout followed me into my teen years and into my early years of marriage, where, among other things, there was a particular sexual position I would not do because it triggered the memory of this incident. Over three decades later, I can’t even look at a “fainting couch” without my first instinct being deep revulsion because it was the type of furniture used for this incident. I don’t know if this is also the reason I have trust issues, control issues, can’t give a friendly acquaintance a hug without a second of mental prep, or if all those are just personality traits I would have had anyway. Some things are easy to link this incident back to. Some things are not.
It was, however, very easy to link it to my outrage and heartbreak at hearing the Duggar parents minimalize the molestation of their daughters with statements like “this was touching somebody over their clothes” although “there were a couple instances where he touched them under their clothes” but hey, it “only happened a few times” and “It was, like, a few seconds“ plus “they [the girls] probably didn’t even understand it” and “a lot of families have said that they’ve had similar things happen in their families” with the implication seeming to be, so why is everyone acting like this is such a big deal? Of course, no one needs to have an incident like mine (or worse) in their past to be outraged by this, but if you do and you hear people deny the seriousness of molestation, plus downplay the painful repercussions of it, it can cut a little bit deeper. YES, every incident counts. YES, it is traumatizing, and YES, IT IS A BIG DEAL, even if you’re so young when it happens that it takes years to fully understand what occurred.
This isn’t a political issue, although it’s being hijacked as one by some. It isn’t a religious one, either, although I’ve seen some claim that it’s non-Christians looking for a reason to attack Christians (for the record, I am a Christian.) This also isn’t about whether or not Jesus has forgiven them (Romans 13:1-2* instructs Christians to obey the laws of the land, so spiritual forgiveness, even if given, has nothing to do with societal repercussions for crimes.) This is about the seriousness of the crime of molestation and the protection of children from molesters. When people attempt to minimalize molestation and/or downplay the pain that it causes, at best it shows a deplorable lack of sympathy for the victims, and at worst creates an environment where molestation isn’t worthy of being treated as a “real” crime. However, opinions do not downgrade crimes into non-crimes, so while some have opined that what happened with the Duggar family was merely “a mistake,” the truth remains that child molestation is a serious, awful crime, and the repercussions to its victims are very, very real, and in many cases, ongoing.
If you’ve been the victim of sexual abuse or molestation, even if it happened many years ago, there is help for you. Please check out some of these organizations:
National Center For Victims Of Crime
Child Molestation Research And Prevention Institute
* Romans 13:1-2, NIV version: “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”
Incest is something no one wants to talk about, and it happens between siblings just as between parents and kids. It’s a dirty little secret that families are ashamed of which only hurts the victims more. Everyone in the family whispers about it to the extended family members. Pretty soon it’s known not to leave this one home alone with that one and don’t let that family’s kid babysit because of blah blah blah. And believe me, those girls did not sleep through anything. The parents would like to believe that, but they didn’t. The girls probably pretended to in order to avoid more drama and whatever.
Biggest problem isn’t kids telling an adult, it’s kids telling and the adult or adults doing nothing about it. Like this case, maybe?
Sorry … This issue is something I’ve dealt with my whole life.
Yes, treating it like a dirty little family secret helps no one and hurts a lot of people. I only hope that the publicity from this raises awareness and education that leads to more prevention and to helping more people who’ve already suffered from these crimes.
Thank you very much for your statement! yes, sadly a LOT of people have been touched with incest and/or sexual assault, and in their blind rush to protect a family that they feel is being unfairly persecuted, fans of the Duggars revictimize survivors with their ignorant words.
The Duggars themselves is a whole ‘nother Oprah show. Though I wouldn’t want her to give those people a platform. LOL I’d rather see her do a show on folks who’ve gotten out of extreme fundamentalist households. Hopefully one day some of those children will see the light.
Yes, it is my hope that at least the situation with the Duggars brings more awareness, education and prevention to an issue that is too often shushed as taboo.
Oprah was going to interview them in the past, but cancelled the interview. I’m a molestation and rape survivor and what the Duggars, and Sarah Palin are saying and doing is beyond words. How can you even think to minimize that kind of Trauma. They are making it sound as if this is a normal occurrence and should be overlooked and swept under the rug. They are even going so far as to encourage the girls (victims) to downplay it. Later, when the girls are in therapy, maybe then they will realize how serious it was.
I don’t watch the news cause there is too much negative going on, so I had no clue about this going on in the Duggars.
Can I just say that in my mind kids don’t just touch and molest other kids out of the blue…what was the perpetrators exposed to that they played out with there siblings. Not all perpetrators were victims, but a large number were victims that then became perpetrators, so the Duggars might wanna pay attention and stop brushing it off.
Oh and had there children molested another children would they be playing it is not a big deal game? I doubt it, so why is it all right that it happened with in their family…I don’t watch that show and now I never will cause I can get behind people who do that kind of dirt.
I was molested and raped by my stepfather when I was 5, and I am 30 now. I have severe problems on many levels.
Action needs to be taken.
Thanks for sharing.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you (I am saying that a lot in the comment section of this post, which just goes to show how many people this type of crime has affected.) I hope that you are getting help, support and counseling as you deal with the repercussions of this horrible event in your past. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you so much for saying this. I completely agree.
Thank you for speaking out on a very personal issue. I too was sexually abused as a child, by my mother’s boyfriend. I was only 9, but I still understood that what was happening was wrong. There were other traumatic events from my mom’s time with “the alcoholic asshole” that I have completely blocked from my memory, the most notable is him holding my brother at gun point and shooting my mom in the face. Fortunately, none of us were seriously physically harmed, but the emotional and psychological damage has followed all three of us all these years. The bottom line is that inappropriately touching someone without their consent is wrong. Period. It goes against everything that my Bible teaches me, and those who are making excuses and victim blaming or trying to make light of it are the farthest things from Christians in my mind. If the issue was that he had assaulted someone and then the Duggar’s covered it up, would we be having the same argument? If he had taken someone’s life? How about stolen a car? Women have the right to not be attacked, especially within the safety of our parent’s homes. Where is the outrage for these girls?
What happened to you and your family is beyond horrible, but thank you for telling your story. Someone reading the comments on this post might need to know that there is light at the end of even such a dark, dark tunnel, and the fact that you can write about this proves that. I wish you and your family all the joy, recovery and blessings that you can handle.
When I was in college, I was attacked. I, luckily, was not raped as there were some people around, and I was loud. To this day, there is a certain cadence of footsteps behind me that will send me into a panic.
I am so glad that people were around to help you. Thank you for sharing.
I agree with you 100% denial is also a big thing ppl telling you it never happened that you made it up that your lying or you did something I have absolutely no trust for anyone because in the end they will screw you over
It is appalling the excuses that some people make. However, there are others who are holding out their hands to help, such as the organizations I linked at the bottom of this post. I haven’t given up on trusting people; it’s just a little harder at times, but it’s well worth it when you find someone (or several someones) to confide in. I pray that you find people like that, too, because they are out there. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for sharing. I too, was abused as a child(no attempts about it), and you are right, no matter what it is a HUGE deal. That it’s being downplayed makes me want to vomit from my memories. The symptoms you mentioned are a direct result of the abuse. I have the same symptoms.
I am so sorry for what you went through, but thank you for sharing your story. Every time light is shined on this issue, it leaves molesters and their protectors one less place to hide. Sending you a hug across the interwebs.
Thank you for writing this. Like so many others I was molested when I was a child. Not just once or by one man either. Like you and others, these incidents have affected me all my life and continue to do so and I am now 50.
I believe that one of the biggest crimes perpetuated by not just this family, but by society as a whole is not just that molestation and sexual abuse is being minimized, but it is being normalized. For me, that is what is the most sickening part of this whole horrific situation. You are 100% correct, it has NOTHING to do with politics, religion, or anything else. Please don’t let us dilute what the issue really is about – sexual crimes.
I hope that every day is a better day for you, and I agree – this should never be considered “normal.”
I completely agree. Also, I’m horrified that the Duggar parents not only got him ineffective help, but allowed him back in the house with the other children. I’m also sickened that the woman he married is having children with him even though she knows that he’s a child molester. How does this sickness even begin, anyway?? Are people born this way? I wish there was a way to test children for these issues that don’t create more problems:(
My daughter was molested by my husband’s stepfather at age 11. When my husband and I called the police, he shot himself. (My MIL was a police dispatcher. Someone called to warn her.) My husband’s mother, sister, aunts, cousins all tried to minimize what had been been done to my daughter. My mother-in-law, her sister and my sister-in-law were all molested as children. The mentality of the family was to hide the abuse. They said we were ruining their lives by bringing it public. My answer was “The cycle stops here”.
My daughter went on to develop an eating disorder, which nearly killed her. She spent most of her senior year of high school in a hospital. 4 years later, she still is in therapy, but has come a long way. She is at a healthy weight.
Thank you for telling your story. It is time to stop minimizing incest. It isnt okay. Even “just for a minute” is too much. You are 100% correct – it IS a big deal.
I am so, so sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter. I hope that she continues to get better, and I wish her all the best.
Thank you Jeaniene for speaking about this painful issue. Your strength is awesome. I have to add here it still makes no sense to me why there is a statute of limitations on sexual abuse. There is no limitation on murder, as it should be. But, why should a molester get away with no recriminations because of the passage of time? When a child is abused, it can be years before they are strong enough to report it. Many times they don’t even remember it until a trigger brings it to light. The law is tailor made to protect the molester. I don’t understand this, unless the writers of those laws knew they would need that protection. It wouldn’t surprise me.
The 3 year statute of limitations is a disgrace. Someone told me that the statute of limitations is longer for shoplifters, and I haven’t looked it up, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Hopefully, one good thing to come out of this will be changing the laws to make the reporting statute much, much longer to help victims.
Being a incest survivor myself, I’m sickened by the fact that the Duggers act like there kid stole a candy bar, not adding scars to the life of these girls. Doesn’t matter how long ago it was, I almost 50 and still get triggers. After 30 years of marriage my wonderful and darling husband still has to deal with my mitrustings of people and situations. Fears and panics, trying not to giving in to the urges of wanting to put my kids in bubble wrap and never let them in the real world. This family is in deep need of help. What has happend to society to make this seem ok. I’m just sickend. Thank you Jeannie for sharing ur feelings. It actually me feel less alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking to hear, but hopefully, others who’ve been through something similar will see and be reminded that there is hope. God bless you and your children.
Hi Jeaniene,
Thank you. This is very much a big deal. Any time someone with more visibility than the average person speaks out on a subject like this, more people tend to pay attention. It also shows more victims that they are not alone. That there is someone else out there that understands what they’ve been through.
Roseann
I was 5. He was a trusted family friend picking me up from kindergarten because my mom was at home with my new baby sister. I was a good girl, he said. Until he was done. He told me I was very very bad and if my mommy and daddy wouldn’t love me anymore, Then we went home and he sat down at the kitchen table with my parents and we had lunch. He gave me a big smile and a chocolate hostess cupcake. I had to eat it because my parents would want to know why i wouldn’t. It was only once, but once was enough. Almost 50 years later and I am still desperate to please those I love. Even a sign of irritation just kills me. The interviews, the stories regarding the Duggar family sicken me. I see myself in his sisters, trying to be good girls and say they are over it. But I am appalled that in all of their statements no one has ever said they are sorry for the other girls. Guess they don’t count.
I am so, so sorry for what happened to you. Reading people’s stories on this post have brought me to tears. I only hope that other people who have gone through something similar can find strength in realizing that they are not alone, and that there is help and hope for them.
Your ring restarting a discussion about this subject that so many sweep under the rug, and your kind responses are, I am sure, so very important to any of us. I can only add that here I was able to tell my whole story without fear of judgement. I have never been able to do so with the people in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
No one should ever judge a person who has suffered abuse. The only people who should be held up for judgement are the abusers themselves. I hope that telling your story helped ease even the tiniest amount of the pain from your awful experience. God bless you and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Thank you for this post, Jeanie. I was checking out your site because I just enjoyed an audiobook version of one of your novels so much, I wanted to see if there’s a posted drop date for the sequel. Finding that you’re not only a fantasy maven but also have used your blog to engage meaningfully with other issues, including this one, and then also taking the time to give witness to each commenter? Well, I already liked your fantasy novel, but I also have to say Yea to your nonfiction posts, and Hell, Yeah, and (again) Thanks.
Thank you for the kind words!