Note: This post has nothing to do with books, appearances or publishing news, so skip if you only want professional updates.
I saw on the news that a Twitter hastag has been going around called #DearMe, where women are encouraged to Tweet advice to – you guessed it – their former, teen selves. I started thinking about what I would say to Teen Jeaniene, if a wormhole in time opened up and I had the chance, and I quickly realized that the list would be too long for Twitter. Every so often, I talk about personal things on my blog. Many of you have said that you enjoyed getting a glimpse into the person behind the books, so I thought I’d write out the things that I wish I could tell my young, teenage self, especially during some of the most difficult times. So, here goes. For illustration, I dug up some pictures of me from age thirteen through seventeen. These were taken Before Digital Era (yes, such a time did exist :)) so I had to line them up and then scan them in order to post them. As you can see, these could also be called the Perm Years. Thankfully, I grew out of that phase, too.
Dear Me:
First off, it’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like that some days, but it will. Even better, the things that make you so upset and angry now are going to fade into memories where the hurt becomes shadows instead of sledgehammers. Some things, you’re even going to laugh over. That sounds impossible now, but believe me, it will happen. You won’t laugh over everything later, but the things that hurt the worst will be the tools that shape you into someone stronger. Even the ones that don’t make you stronger have a purpose because they’ll make you able to empathize with others, whether their struggles were similar or different. Pain is pain, after all, in whatever form it takes.
One of my first pieces of advice is to please, stop making yourself throw up. You’re only chasing an illusion and a lie. People who are thin, pretty and popular are not automatically happier. They’re dealing with their own problems, and their “everything is great” attitude is as much of a camouflage as you running the water in the bathroom so that no one hears you purge. You will never be happy until you realize that happiness has NOTHING TO DO with outward appearances. Stop punishing yourself for not being the size that you think you should be, or for not having as many friends as you’re “supposed” to have, or any of the other things you feel like you’ve failed over. None of them are a magic ticket to a better life, and the awful things you tell yourself as you’re bent over that toilet bowl are shredding your soul. You are worth immeasurably more than other people’s opinions. You just don’t know it yet.
Speaking of that, you don’t need to get drunk at parties. You don’t even like the taste of beer, wine or shots, and they make you sick, anyway. Plus, you’re doing it for the same reason that you’re bulimic: you’re trying to be someone you’re not in order to fit in. Guess what – so are most of the people around you. In fact, it will take all of your twenties to get over who you pretended to be in your teens, and when you finally realize who you actually are, you’re going to be okay with that. You’ll even wonder why you wasted so much time, energy and pain on trying to be anyone else, because you won’t even be able to remember the names of the people you were so concerned about fitting in with back then.
That brings us to the guy you’ve off-and-on dated. He isn’t The One. In fact, he’s going to cheat on you with one of your best friends, and you’re just lucky you didn’t get caught when you keyed his car for it. Even his cheating will turn out okay, though, because afterward, you’re going to go out with one of his best friends just to piss him off, and guess what? That guy is The One. You’re even going to marry him at nineteen, watch your friends and his make bets on how fast you two will divorce, and laugh about it over twenty-two years later as you celebrate your latest anniversary together.
Know what else you’re not going to believe? That faith will see you through every rough road as well as every smooth one. I know; you don’t believe in God, and even if you thought He did exist, you’d expect Him to be chasing you with a lightning bolt in one hand and a list of everything you’ve done wrong in the other. Well, you’re partially right. He is chasing you, only He’s doing it with open arms and more love than you can imagine because He’s already forgiven everything you’ve ever done as well as everything you will ever do. All He wants is for you to turn around and see Him so that you’ll know that. One day, you will, then faith will give you the strength to stop basing your self-worth on what other people think. It’ll give you courage, too, and with that courage, you’ll chase your dream of being an author even though you’ve never gone to college, never took a single writing class, and generally have no idea what you’re doing. If I told you how blessed your career turns out to be, you won’t even believe me. It’s okay. I didn’t believe it at first, either. In fact, I still insist that my editor sends me copies of bestseller lists whenever my books are on them, because until I see it with my own eyes, it still seems too incredible to be real.
So, Teen Jeaniene, don’t give up. You’ll make it through, and more importantly, you’ll be okay. Here’s a hug from across the years. After you’re done with it, pass it on to the people around you. They need it, too.
Oh, one final piece of advice: Stop sunning yourself topless on your roof. Yes, it gets rid of tan lines, but the neighbors can totally see you.
Jeaniene,
That was such a beautiful letter! Thanks for sharing your advice.
That was such a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing. God has blessed you. I love the story of your marriage. Good for you two!
Really lovely hearing about other people having the same experiences despite being a world apart. You always think you are doing the right thing but in the end it is not. I really love the bit about sunbathing, made my day! xx
That is such a beautiful letter and strong advice for “teen Jeaniene.” I’m not sure what advice I would give to my teen self, having not given much thought to it. Whatever advice it is, I can only hope that “teen Kathy” would take it to heart.
Oh, and LOL at the tanning advice.
Heh. It took me so long to realize that!
I’m so happy you found your beautiful self. I suffer from depression and your books always make me feel better.
Thank you, and I hope that you find many more tools to help in your struggle with depression.
Thanks for sharing Jeaniene! It’s nice to know your not afraid to share a little personal piece of yourself with the public. Just goes to show, you were born great! 😉
That was totally awesome and so true. We waste so much time worrying about things that just don’t matter. Thanks for sharing. It’s always nice to hear you’re not alone. And the sun bathing – too funny.
I’ve enjoyed not only your Cat & Bones, Vlad and Lelia series, but found myself immeasurably inspired by your dedication in each one – ‘To God’. I grew up in a Pentecostal home where religion was the weapon of choice that God used to beat you into shame, condemnation and a person less than human. It took more than forty years for me to discover just how bogus that rhetoric all was, and come to the same conclusion you advised your teen self – He is a loving God with open arms and is the inspiration for all our creativity. Like your novels, your letter to Teen Self is a read I’m glad I didn’t miss.
Thank you. Re-“I grew up in a Pentecostal home where religion was the weapon of choice that God used to beat you into shame, condemnation and a person less than human.” It breaks my heart every time I hear stories like this, and if that’s how I feel, I can’t imagine how God feels to see His love and grace so misused and misrepresented.
That which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger. Trite, but true. ((HUGS))
What a wonderful letter! Wouldn’t it be great if we could reach across the decades and reassure our younger self that thing will, indeed, be okay.
On a more personal note, thank you for sharing your struggle with bulimia in such a straightforward, matter-of-fact way. My youngest daughter is recovering from anorexia/purging type. A lot of people are dismissive of what they see as a vanity issue, never realizing it’s not about the food at all. What the victim is trying to purge is the pain. I am a firm believer in shining a light on issues such as depression and eating disorders so those who don’t suffer from these debilitating diseases at least have compassion for those who do. Anyway, thank you for shining that light.
Love your work, and anxiously waiting for Ian’s book! Lol
Very best wishes,
Sharon
Wishing all the best for your daughter with her recovery. No, anorexia and/or bulimia is NOT a vanity issue. My looking into the mirror yesterday and bemoaning the new gray hairs around my temples, that is a vanity issue :). What I went through as a teen was something very different. It was self-inflicted mental and physical cruelty. The inner hate I had to constantly stoke in order to keep up this destructive behavior through the majority of my teens years had far less to do with my size and far more to do with wanting to punish myself for not measuring up to the standard I had ascribed to my peers. In my mind, they were worthy of happiness; I was not. I went to rehab for my eating disorder at sixteen and I credit that with becoming educated about the disease, the other people who suffered from it, and the many serious health consequences that it could have if I didn’t stop. Rehab scared me into stopping *most* of my bulimia. I credit faith for healing the inner pain and self-destructiveness that had driven me to that plus other unhealthy behaviors. Thus, many years ago, I finally able to stop for good.
Such a personal and soul bearing letter. Thank you for your honesty and courage. I know where Cat gets it from. Bless you. Love your books and blog.
Jeaniene,
Wow, okay, I cried because while the issues are different, this is similar to the letter I would write myself. Thank you so much for writing this, for sharing this and for putting yourself out there…..no only with this but every book you write.
Sincerely,
One of your favorite fans!
Thank you. As I said in my post, issues might be different but pain is pain. I wish you all the best.
Jeaniene,
Thank you for sharing a part of your soul. I’m sure God is smiling down on you saying, “way to go girl”! You are not only a gifted writer but a wonderful human being! God Bless and keep writing. Love your books and in this sometimes cruel world we all need some sunshine in our lives.
How brave and kind to share your letter to your teen self publicly. I thank you for giving hope to those who
suffer from anorexia/bulimia/eating disorders. I admire your strength and your faith.
Thank you Jeaniene for sharing a piece of your personal story. I have always admired you as a writer from way back championing you on CH’s site (and was so ecstatic when you thanked me personally). From that moment on….FANGIRL all the way. Now I can add how much I admire you as a person. I can honestly say that this moved me to tears. Everything you said struck home with me and most would make it in my own Dear Me letter. Particularly the part about being able to laugh at some things but not all. I would not change who I am today, all my trials made me stronger but I would go back and tell that young too world-wise girl to value herself a little more because one day there will be a man who will love you more than you will ever believe possible and you deserve it. Stop chasing endless destructive paths because you don’t know how to make the pain end any other way. Honestly, I am sooo glad that I was raised in the non-digital era. Lord knows I found enough trouble without it being captured in full technicolor and posted places. Everyone is walking a unlit and rocky path, we just need to be the lights that chase away shadows so that others know they will never walk in complete darkness. Thank you again for sharing.
This is so great! I especially love that last bit. haha! Thank you so much for sharing a window into your past and the story of your journey to adulthood. I love learning about others, especially when they’re life has been so drastically changed by the incredible love of Christ! I have always respected you and I will always give your name as my “favorite author of all times,” and now I only have more respect and support for you! You’re amazing and your words are even more so!!