Being an introvert, I’ve met more people through online venues in the past four years since I sold my novels than I have in the decade before it. Some of my closest Real Life friends are people I first met online, and now I wonder how I ever managed without them. Then there friends I first met online who I now see once or twice a year at conventions, which is awesome. Some online friends I may never meet in real life, but they cheer me up or make me laugh getting to know them through emails/their blogs. There are online acquaintances; people I run into on blogs or various community sites, and while I also may never meet them in person or develop a closer friendship with them, it’s fun to chat with them on the internet. Many readers email me after reading my book(s), and some days, those encouraging letters single-handedly push me through writers block and/or the doubts that inevitably creep in about my writing. All in all, it’s been an overwhelmingly positive experience.
But like all roses, there can be thorns. Sometimes, when a person gets to know me through my blogs, books, or other venue, an expectation develops that I can’t fulfill. Maybe it’s the expectation that I’ll be a regular “pen pal”. I had one person (no, not anyone I know on LJ, FaceBook, MySpace, or Twitter, before someone wonders if I’m talking about them) who got very offended because I didn’t send her regular updates about what was going on in my life. When I explained that my schedule didn’t allow me to be “pen pals” with everyone who wrote me, her response was an abbreviated version of “So I’m not good enough for you, is that it?” No, that’s not it, but like everyone else, I only have so many hours in the day and usually too many tasks to accomplish within them.
Sometimes, people have other expectations I can’t fulfill. Some of my online friends/acquaintances are aspiring authors and they’ve asked me to critique their query letter/partial manuscript/full manuscript. 95% of the time, I have to say no. Right now, on a tight deadline, I’m saying no 100% of the time, even to my closest friends. When a deadline looms, writing has to come first. Not blogging, being involved in online communities, doing interviews, guest blogs, holding contests, reading for blurb purposes, critiquing, answering emails, promotion, or any other number of things that also falls under the “author” job description. If I fail in my primary job responsibility to write, then it doesn’t matter how well I do those other things, right?
Occasionally, some people feel an author “owes” them. I’ve gotten emails that have (paraphrased) said this: I’ve read all your books and blogged about them and gave you great reviews, so the least you can do is critique my query letter/first few chapters/entire book.
Unless there’s been a prior agreed-upon arrangement (and a promotion/good-reviews-for-critiques bargain would be highly unethical, in my opinion) when readers promote my books, it’s appreciated – truly, it is! – but it’s not subject to professional reimbursement. If I owed a critique to every person who bought my books, exchanged a couple emails with me, commented on my blog, or reviewed my books, I’d have to quit writing to devote the next couple years just to being an amateur editor – and I don’t want to be an editor. I love to write. I don’t love to critique.
Or some people might feel they’re owed a referral to the author’s agent/editor because of personal ties. If the author refuses, that person might get upset and say, “But I thought we were friends.” Let me say right here that I don’t understand this logic. If I’m friends with someone, I assume that means the person likes me. I don’t think it means there’s a professional obligation implied. To me, business and friendship are separate. Sometimes, I’ll want very much to help an online acquaintance/friend, but I simply can’t. It goes back to there only being so many hours in a day, and I’ve gotten way busier than I was when I was first published. When I had more time in the past, I critiqued partials, fulls, or query letters from some friends/online acquaintances. If I was wowed by what I read (and my agent repped that genre; she didn’t rep every one) I offered to give a referral. But I didn’t – and still don’t – feel my friendship entitles someone to any of these things.
Same goes with blurbs. I might be friends/online acquaintances with other authors, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like their book if I’m sent it for potential blurb purposes, and I won’t blurb something unless I really love it. I also have a list of auto-reject tropes that might be very popular with other readers, but will make me put down a book every time. In fact, I probably blurb just two of out every six novels I’m sent because I’m picky about giving blurbs (much to my agent/editor’s dismay :)). So if I say no to a professional request and the result is a fractured friendship…it makes me question whether that person was really my friend in the first place.
Then there are legal and ethical concerns. Say an author agrees to critique an online friend/acquaintances’ book/sample chapters/query letter. That story has a vampire/space alien conspiracy plot, and the critiquing author’s not-yet-published book also has a vampire/space alien conspiracy plot. Six months later when her book comes out, the author gets an outraged email from her online friend/acquaintance that says “You stole my plot!” Or the author reads a blog that says, “Can you believe Author X stole my plot??” Yes, this is an extreme example, but it’s happened. Not to me, and not often, but enough that publishers discourage authors from reading unpublished manuscripts (or fanfiction) to avoid that potential “you stole my plot!” issue. Even if no ugly public accusation occurs that could hurt the author’s career, no one wants another writer to feel ripped off – and especially in the same genre, plot coincidences can be rampant.
Right now, I’m getting a lot of requests for interviews and guest blogs, which flatters me, but I’m turning down all of them because I’m behind on where I should be in writing the next Cat and Bones book (no, this WON’T mean a delay in its release, before I get emails from readers saying “Then cancel your upcoming convention!!!”) but it will mean an inconvenience to my editor, copyeditor, and others because they’ll have less time to process the finished book. I don’t like inconveniencing or stressing my publishers, so everyone else gets a “no” until the book is turned in. That’s my reason for all the “no’s” I’ve been sending out lately to requests, but seriously, there can be a lot of reasons why an author says “no” and it shouldn’t be taken personally. If you’ve gotten a “no” from an author on a request, please think twice before assuming that author is ungrateful, arrogant, or unfriendly, whether that “no” was in regards to critiquing something/a blurb/guest blog/interview/agent referral/editor referral/etc. Sometimes saying no is the only way to ensure that we fulfill our primary responsibility – writing books.
And for everyone wondering, why did you write such a long blog if you’re pressed for time, Jeaniene? It’s so I can point to this detailed post when I have to say “no” again instead of explaining the same thing over and over. In that way, it’s actually saving me time :).
Now, back to writing!
Jeaniene, I completely get it. Thank you for putting it out so bluntly for everyone, and I sincerely hope that you never feel pressured from me.
XO,
Wendy aka Isis
Wendy, of course I haven’t felt pressured from you! This is a “here’s why I’m having to say no to a lot of requests” blog, not a “no one talk to me!” blog 🙂
Well put!
People can be such a drag.
jeaniene,
Some of us totally get it and would rather have you writing books than all the other stuff that comes with being an author. I think it’s nice though what you said about a NO doesn’t necessarily mean the author is unfriendly, unappreciative etc. Very nice post now go and get on with the writing!! x
Jeaniene, let’s see if we can’t give you some roses that have been dethorned..don’t need anything from you but your wonderful characters and stories! You are really good to your fans! Now go back to Cat and Bones! *hugs*
Friendship doesn’t, and should never, come with any price other than being a friend. It’s a lousy shame that some people feel otherwise.
Something I’ve seen mentioned, a lot lately, is where writers are being told they ‘owe’ somebody something…in referenced to being published, or owing a critique or whatever.
Here’s what I think writers owe: We owe it to ourselves, our editors/agents, and our readers to meet our deadlines, we owe it to ourselves, our editors our agents and readers to turn in the very best book we can and we owe each other courtesy and respect.
Beyond that, if the writer chooses to give more, it’s up to the writer.
In the end, the books have to come first, because if we don’t meet THE obligations…well, we’re not really taking ourselves seriously as writers, and we can’t expect anybody else to, either.
Re-“Something I’ve seen mentioned, a lot lately, is where writers are being told they ‘owe’ somebody something…in referenced to being published, or owing a critique or whatever.”
Yes, I’ve gotten this several times, as have other authors I know, and it’s frustrating. Must not have read the fine print in those book contracts *wink*
Re-“We owe it to ourselves, our editors/agents, and our readers to meet our deadlines, we owe it to ourselves, our editors our agents and readers to turn in the very best book we can and we owe each other courtesy and respect.”
Yep! And hey, those first two things are hard enough, right? *sweating a late deadline*
Damn straight those first two things are hard enough… lol.
And yep-that fine print. It’s murder. O_O
Looking forward to meeting you at RT, BTW.
I love your books and don’t want anyone to detract you from your writing. Waiting patiently for your next one…
Not a published author -yet- but I know the feeling. The moment people/friends find out I’m writing they all of a sudden want to do things for me, get on my good side. Then, one sunny afternoon, they bring up the “If you get published you’ll mention me, right?” No. If I mentioned every person who bought me coffee since my process started or decided to pick up some of the slack on projects -which I was more than capable of handeling- than that would be a slew of names and most of them would be thanking myself.
I spend a lot of time online for research which results in my Messenger signing in. People bug me, literally. I’ve had to delete a lot of friends off social networking sites because of my ‘potential’ second job and their constant “you should right a character like me” messages.
There are only two people I talk to about my stories. Mainly because they enjoy hearing me rant about why I’m stuck (or so they say) and offer to read and correct minor problems I’ve missed after going over the finished product 50 billion times.
I wouldn’t dream of saying “no” to them because they push me through. If I’m not published at least I’ll have something to be proud of; even if some people took ‘no’ the wrong way.
And now, as you put it, back to writing! 😀
Wow! Can I just refer to your blog the next time I have to say no to someone? Great post!
Sure, Jenna, refer away! 🙂 Looking forward to seeing you soon at RT.
I totally understand what your saying. :)Good luck on meeting your deadlines. I have a few coming up of my own. Ahhh!
After reading this blog my heart goes out to you.the way I see it is you are one of my favorite authors and appreciate when you have the time to blog up to your fans about your books. I think of this as a bonus to learn about your books.you are a terrific author that tells a fantastic story.would I love to meet u……absolutley …to give u a hug and say thanks for the books you write.I personally hope that certain people would just give you a break and let you do what you love and are good at!
P.s. you do not owe us fans a thing!
Boy do I feel for you. I am just so amazed that any of you wonderful authors take the time to converse with us at all. Know that at least I appreciate every bit you are able to share. Thank you. By the way – after listening to you and Melissa the other night, your laugh is great!
Jeaniene,
First, I absolutely LOVE the Cat and Bones Books and am getting my friends to read them too!!! I think it is very unfortunate and sad that people will take advantage of friendship like that. I will never understand why some fans get carried away like they do. But, you are awesome at what you do! I definitely understand what you said and hope that everyone else gets the picture too.
Hey Jeaniene,
Great post. Take your time and enjoy the process. Your writing is always worth it in the end. We’ll be here when you finish. 🙂
-eng
I think is an excellent post. You have your right to say “no” and also you are polite enough to explain yourself in such a big post. Enjoy your writing and don’t stress, Cat and Bones will benefit 😛
Grade A stuff. I’m unqeustionably in your debt.
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Wonderfully said! I’m a volunteer for a charity and I have heard the word NO alot and I never take it personally. Everyone has different things they support and believe in and not everyone should ever feel obligated to do something. Good for you and if you have to say no to me ever — trust me I’m ok with that and will always keep reading your works. Now thanks to your support I’m off to tell my husband — NO — I sooo don’t want your parents to come over tomorrow — wow that feels so liberating ; )
I agree. You are one of my favorite authors and I just want you to continue writing. Right now, Bones and Cat are my most favorite character couple. I have reread those books several times and even though I know what happens I never tire. I’m sorry that people don’t understand, that yes, you love to write, but this is your job and like you said you are one person with only so much time. Just keep doing what you’re doing. If people don’t understand, I’m sorry they don’t need to be here then I’m a meanie lol.
Wow, I can only imagine how hard that has to be on you. I’m sure the people who matter will understand this perfectly.
Like you said, you go write more Cat and Bones 🙂
Hang in there Jeaniene. Just keep doing what you do best leave the rest for later. I cannot imagine how much pressure you are under at any given time.
An un-published writer myself, I am learning very quickly that those we know expect more than we’ll ever be able to deliver. I have people at work that know that I’m writing a series and I hear constantly, “So when you’re rich and famous, you’re going to remember me, right?”
Please, right now, I do good to remember my husband, three kids and to pay the mortgage on time. Those are three very important things to remember and yet, I still have trouble with them.
So, I completely understand this blog and find inspiration in the fact that we’re not being rude when saying no. It’s just a word I need to learn and not feel guilty about. Oh, and I’m not under any deadlines yet, so I don’t know how you do it and stay sane. Kudos to you.
Spoken (actually written) with total integrity. You have always been so open with your fans it really pains me to think it may have backfired on you. I, for one, am grateful that we are even acknowledged by you as a published author – some are NEVER heard from online. Thank you, Ms Frost, for being you.
Jeaniene, i’m sorry you have to deal with all of that. It sucks when you think a friend is just a friend but then find out there are certain expectations from the person. I’m just a freakin reader and i have been so impressed how often you do pop in and interact with us on the boards! Hang in there and keep doing what you do best!(keeping that night huntress world going for a looonnnggg time!)You are a very gracious author and if people can’t see that……it’s their loss!
Jeaniene,
Jeaniene,
I am so sorry you had to take time out of your busy schedule to address such concerns. Writing does not finish itself; it is a laborous process. I don’t know why some people don’t understand.
Don’t let anyone get you down; you are doing the best you can with the time you have.
Have fun at the convention.
Nikki in Houston,TX
I know how you feel. I, too, am sweating under a looming deadline, and I’m behind. Script Frenzy, anyone? lol!
Good luck with your novel, and keep out of stress if you can! 😀
Good luck, Jeaniene.
Way to go! You do us a great honor to write great books. You don’t owe us anything but I love anything that you write for us!
Mrs Frost,
OMG!! i cant believe people can be so self centered that they would use your friendship like that. Those people should be greatful you considered them a friend in the first place. i agree that you do us a great honour in writing those great books of yours. And they are great, if i can get my sister to read them (she hardly ever reads, let alown finishes a book) they must be good.) You do not owe your fans anything. If anything, we owe you for bringing us the entertainment of your books.
P.S. If i offended anyone im sorry (im only 15) and i think i need to brush up on my writing skills. Also sorry if i spelt anything wrong, my spelling is shocking (so my mother tells me).
Anywayz i am soooo looking forward to your next Cat and Bones Book. Good luck with it.
I agree, a friend would never throw that so called friendship back up in your face when they don’t get their way, you just keep writing as long as it is in you to do so, and then if you don’t want to that is your choice, you don’t owe anybody by checking their own work. You just keep doing what you do and I am so excited for the next cat and bones book. you could cancel everything if you think it is right so you can finish cat and bones 🙂
:winks:
It is always surprising when you think you have a friendship with someone and they pull out the “we must not really be friends because” line. Some times it hurts a little because as a friend you might really have wanted to do it for them, but that shouldn’t make it an obligation. It makes you kind of wonder were you naive in believing you were ever friends to begin with. It also makes you a little jaded for a time wondering who else is just waiting for an advantage.
Since I’m not a friend I can say you owe us (readers) your next book and we owe you money for it so as many requests you have to drop in order to write the more some of us will fanfully back you up. 😉
(Well I don’t believe you “owe” us anything, but the whole trying to make light with the not-friend/book/money thing doesn’t work as well otherwise. And now putting aside if you have to explain it then it no longer is funny I’m still going to write it.)